Jokes

Once upon a time there was an archery contest.

The first archer, wearing a long cape covering his face, lines up in position...

He takes a deep breath and fires an arrow which finds the center of the target.
Then he takes of his cape and screams:
I AM...... ROBIN HOOD!!! The crowd cheers!

The second archer with a cape lines up in position.
He fires his arrow which hits the center and cuts robin hood's arrow into two!
He takes off his cape and screams:
I AM...... WILLIAM TELL!!!!
The crowd cheers!!

Finally, a third man in cape lines up in position...

He fires his arrow but it goes all wrong!!!
It flies past the crowd and kills the king!!!
Then the man takes off his cape and screams:
I AM...... SORRY!!!

The Fifa World Cup is close by.
Let me give u a few rules that will preserve your beauty.

1. The remote control belongs to me for the whole month.

2. Tell all your friends not to gv birth or wed or die or wateva during the World Cup coz we won't go.

3.No talking during the game, wait for half-time or end of the game.

4. Repeats & highlights are as good as the main match, so am gonna watch them..

5. We can watch STAR PLUS provided actors and actresses are wearing soccer jerseys and they are in brazil.

6. U dont just pass infront of the tv if am watching soccer, u better crawl on the floor.

7. Make sure you don't ask silly questions such as; is this Chelsea versus England?

8. No funny faces to my friends when they come for soccer.

9. There shall be no comments about Cristiano Ronaldo's looks. Proffessonalism shall remain an absolute part of the WC.

10. If you miss the line up please dont ask, 'who is that guy?'

11. Ronaldo the Brazilian and Ronaldo the Portuguese are not related, Tanzania and Kenya did not qualify.

Thank you,

Wife: Khana kha liya?
Husband: Khana kha liya?

Wife: Batao na.
Husband: Batao na.

Wife: Please... batao na.
Husband: Please..... batao na.

Wife: Achcha ji! Meri nakal?
Husband: Achcha ji! Meri nakal?

Wife: I Love U!!!
Husband: Haan yaar, khana kha liya maine...

Santa was caught by Mughal soldiers and they took him to their king Akbar.

Akbar: Kaun ho tum?
Santa: Jahanpanah, main Santa hun.

Akbar: Itni raat tum hamare mahal ke paas kya rahe the?
Santa, ghabraate hue: Ji... main...vo... kuchh nahin.. bas aise hi...

Akbar: Sipahiyon, isko bandi bana do...
Santa pleads: Nahin Jahanpanah, aisa mat kariye, please mujhe banda hi rehne do.

Doctor, pagal se: Yeh kya hai?
Pagal: Ye maine 500 panno ki kitab likhi hai...
Doctor: Tumne 500 panno pe kya likha?
Pagal: 1st page pe likha hai Ek Raja ghode par baith ke jungal ki taraf chala, aur akhri page pe likha ke wo Raja jungle pahunch gaya.
Doctor: To beech ke 498 panno pe kya likha?

Pagal: Tigdik
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Doctor: Teri ye kahani padhega kaun?
Pagal: Facebook par post kar doonga, mere jaise log zarur padhenge.

Ek din khuda ne mujhse kaha: "Mat karintezar is janam mein uska, Milna mushkil hai.
Maine bhi keh diya: "Lene de maza intezar ka, agle janam mein to mumkin hai."

Phir khuda ne kaha: "Mat kar itna pyar bahut pachhtayega."
Muskura ke maine kaha: "Dekhte hain tu kitna mujhe tadpayega."

Phir khuda ne kaha: "Bhool ja use, Chal tujhe jannat ki apsra se milata hoon."
Maine kaha: "Aa neeche dekh mere pyar ka muskurata chehra, tujhe jannat ki apsra bhulwata hoon.

Gusse mein khuda ne kaha: "Mat bhool apni aukaat tu to ek insaan hai."
Hans kar maine kaha: "Toh mila de mujhe mere pyar se aur saabit kar ki tu hi Bhagwan hai."

Phir khuda ne guuse mein uski mujhse shadi kara di. Sab bhoot utar gaya.

Wife to her husband: Suno, aate hue zara kitchen se namak lete aana.
Husband (kitchen se): Yahan to koi Namak nahi hai.
Wife: Mujhe pata tha, tum toh ho hi andhe, kaamchor kahin ke. Ek kaam dhang se nahi kar sakte, bas bahane banaate rehte ho, zindagi mein kuch to kaam karo. Mujhe pehle se hi pata tha ki tumhe nahin milega,
Isliye mein pehle hi le aayi thi.
Husband shocked!

College Clerk: Beta yeh form tumne galat bhar diya hai. Yahaan address nahin naamlikhna tha.
Student: Vikas Puri mera naam hi hai jee.
College Clerk: Achcha aur pita ka naam?
Student: Ji Janak Puri.
College Clerk: Achcha Dadaji ka naam?
Student: Trilok Puri.
College Clerk: Hey Bhagwaan beta jaate jaate apni maa ka naam bhi bata do.
Student: Maya Puri.
College Clerk: Main yeh sub nahin maanta. Koi aaya he tumhare saath family se tumhaari admission ke liye.
Student: Ji mera bara bhai hai yeh.
College Clerk: Aapka naam?
Bhai: Govind Puri!