Sexy Jokes

A guy walked into a bar one day and noticed a jar full of money on the counter. He asked the bartender what it was for and the bartender replied that if he could go into the back and make the donkey laugh, he could have that jar of money. So the guy walks in the back and a few minutes he comes out with the donkey laughing his head off. He gets his money and walks out.The next day the same guy went to the same bar and noticed another jar of money sittin on the counter. The bartender, when asked, said that if he could go in the back and make the donkey cry, he could have that jar of money. So the guy goes in the back and about 5 minutes later comes out with the donkey crying huge tears. As the guy was about to leave, the bartender stopped him and asked him how he made the donkey laugh and cry. The guy replied: The first time I told him I had a bigger dick then he did, and the second time I proved it.

A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store.
The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.�"Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied. The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? Their hookers. They have sex with men for money. "The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?" "They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.

Kid comes home from school and his mother asks him, "How was school son?"�He replies, "It wasn't good at all Mom, I had sex with my teacher."�She blows up and tells him to go imediately to his room. His father gets home and walks into his room to find he is looking at some porno mags and says to his son, "You had sex with your teacher son?"�Kid replies, "Yeah it wasn't good."�The father says well your only 14 years old and you have done a good job, well go tomorrow and get that new bike you have always wanted. They get there the next day and get it bought.�Then the father asks him, "Do you want to ride it home or just put it in the back of the truck? "The kid replies, "I better just put it in the back of the truck."�They get into the truck and the father asks his son, "So why didn't you wanna ride it home?"�The son tells him, "Because Mr. Green got me in the butt pretty hard yesterday."

One day a young boy finds a condom on the floor. He brings is to his father and asks what is it. His father replies,"Oh, that's a twinkie. Son if you find anymore bring them to me and I'll give you a quarter.The next week the little boy returned to his mother's house with a lot of quarters. His mother asks, "Where did you get all those quarters?" The little boy answered, "Daddy gave them to me for finding twinkies for him. But what he doesn't know is, before I gave Daddy the twinkies, I sucked all the cream filling out.

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:�"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
"How much for a season pass?"

Q. Why are guys faster than girls?
A. They have a stick shift and ball bearings.

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia.
One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."
The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"