Medical Jokes

The brash young gynecologist, fresh out of medical school, took one look at his voluptuous new patient and abandoned his professional ethics entirely. As he stroked the supple skin of her naked body, he asked, "Do you understand what I am doing?" "Yes," the patient answered. "You're checking for dermatological abrasions." "Correct," the doctor lied. Next, he fondled her breasts long and lovingly.

Again, he inquired, "Do you understand what I am doing?" "You're feeling for cancerous lumps," she ventured. "Very astute," the doctor complimented, getting more excited. He placed the woman's feet in stirrups, dropped his pants, and slipped his member inside her. "And do you understand what I am doing now?" "All too well," the patient shot back. "You're contracting herpes."

An old man and his wife visits the doctor. The doctor says "Well, I can't find what's wrong with you, so I'm gonna need a blood sample, a semen sample, a urine sample, and a stool sample.

The old man says "What?" The doctor says it again. The old man still says "What?"

Then his wife says, "He wants you to leave your underwear."

A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says "I have some bad news. You have HAGS."

"What is HAGS" the man asks.

"It's herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis" says the doctor.

"Oh my God" says the man. "What are you going to do?"

"We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza."

"Is that going to help me" says the man.

"No" says the doctor. "But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door"

"Doc" says Arthur, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?", asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done", replies Arthur.

"But have you thought it through properly?", asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind - either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!" So Arthur has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there", says Arthur, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." "Well", said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Arthur stared at him in horror. "Damn, THAT'S the word!!!"

This middle-aged woman went to see her doctor.

"Well, what's the trouble?"
"Doctor, it's headache, shooting pains in my legs & high blood pressure."

"How old are you?" asked the doctor.
"I'll be 26 on my next birthday."

"Hmmm...," said the doctor, busy writing, "loss of memory too."

A doctor on his first night of marriage goes closer to his wife, holds her and starts shaking her hard.

The wife puzzled asks him, "What's wrong with you, have you gone crazy or what"

The husband replies "i am a doctor and i always follow the instructions "Shake well before use".

A lady rushes into the veterinarian and screams, "I found my dog unconscious and I can't wake him -- do something."

The vet lays the dog on the examination table and after a few simple tests he says, "I'm sorry, I don't feel a pulse, I'm afraid your dog is dead".

The lady can't accept this and says, "No, no, he can't be dead -- do something else."

The vet goes into the other room, and comes back with a little cat. The cat jumps up on the table and starts sniffing the dog from head to toe. It sniffs and sniffs up and down the dog, then all of a sudden just stops and jumps off the table and leaves. "Well, that confirms it," the vet says, "your dog is dead."

The lady is very upset but finally settles down. "Okay, I guess you're right. How much do I owe you?" The vet says, "That will be $340."

The lady has a fit and asks, "Why is it so much? After all the vet didn't do anything for the dog."

"Well", the vet replied, "it's $40 for the office visit and $300 for the CAT SCAN!"

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"

"Do you drink a lot?"

"Not really - I spill most of it!"