Medical Jokes

A husband and wife entered the dentist's office.

The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The husband turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is dear."


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One More
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"I am sorry, madam, but I shall have to charge you hundred dollars for pulling your boy's tooth."

"Hundred dollars! Why, I understood you to say that you charged only twenty dollars for such work!"

"Yes," replied the dentist, "but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared out four other patients out of the office."

Paitent: "Doc I always see faded spots before my eyes"

Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help?

Paitent: Sure, now the Spots are Clearer!

There was this case in the hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed and on Sunday morning at 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural no one could solve the mystery..... as to Why the death at 11 AM?

So a worldwide expert team was constituted and they decide to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil........ Just when the clock struck 11......


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Sundeep Singh, the part time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Definitions provided by Miss Misa Yadav, Laloo's daughter, in her Medical Entrance Exam.

ANALLY - happening every year

ANTIBODY - against everyone

ARTERY - the study of fine paintings

BACTERIA - back door to a cafeteria

BENIGN - what you be after you be eight

BOWEL - letters like a, e, i, o, u

CAESARIAN SECTION - a district in Rome

CARDIOLOGY - advanced study of poker playing

CAT SCAN - searching for lost kitty

CHRONIC - neck of a crow

COMA - punctuation mark

CORTIZONE - area around local courthouse

CYST - short for sister

DIAGNOSIS - person with a slanted nose

DILATE - (i) the late British princess Diana (ii)lives long

DISLOCATION - in this place

DUODENUM - couple in jeans

ENEMA - not a friend

FALSE LABOR - pretending to work

GENES - blue denim

GROIN - to mash to a pulp / smile

HERNIA - she is close by

HYMEN - greeting to several males

IMPOTENT - distinguished, well-known

LABOR PAIN - hurt at work

LACTOSE - person without toes

LYMPH - walk unsteadily

MENOPAUSE - I no wait

MICROBES - small dressing gowns

OBESITY - city of Obe

PACEMAKER - winner of Nobel Peace Prize

PULSE - grain

PUS - small cat

RED BLOOD COUNT - Dracula

RUPTURE - ecstasy

SECRETION - hiding anything

SUBCUTANEOUS - not cute enough

SUTURE - Gujarati for "what do you want"

TABLET - small table

TUMOR - extra pair

ULTRASOUND - radical noise

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?"

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic.....

"Try doing it with the engine running!"

A man visited a psychiatrist to talk about his dreams.

"Every night," the man said, "I dream that these three hideous monsters are sitting on the edge of my bed, ready to attack me."

"Hmmm," said the doctor. "I feel sure I can cure you of this problem. But the treatment will cost you somewhere between twenty and thirty thousand dollars."

"Thirty thousand dollars!" the man gasped.

"Never mind getting rid of the monsters, Doctor. I think I'll go home and try to make friends with them!"

A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.

Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.

The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered.

"But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.' They are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."