Medical Jokes

Three students are leaving their last classes of the day.

The law student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have coffee."

The engineering student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."

The medical student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."

A doctor came to visit the patient in hospital, and patient started pleading and crying, "Doctor please save me, ." The patient kept crying and crying.

The outspoken nurse got irritated, and she told the patient, "You should not worry, you see you owe $4000 for hospital bed, $2000 for medicine, $5000 for anesthesia, $8000 for surgery, $3000 in doctor's fee, tell me why would Doctor kill you?"

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor."

An elderly woman goes to see her Doctor. "What seems to be the trouble, Mrs. Adkins," he asks.

"Well it's very embarrassing Doctor," she replies. "I can't stop breaking wind! They don't smell, and they don't make a noise, but I am embarrassed by them all the same."

The Doctor looks at her and strokes his chin thoughtfully. "You say they don't smell, and they don't make a noise?"

"That's right," replies the old lady.

The Doctor reaches for his prescription pad, and begins to write. "I want you to take one of these tablets each morning and evening for a week. Come back and see me when they are all gone."

Next week the old lady comes back: "How are things now, Mrs. Adkins?" asks the Doctor.

"Well they're about the same," replies the old lady, "except that now my farts are starting to smell REALLY bad!"

That's great!" replies the Doctor. "Great?! How so?" asks the old lady.

"Well we've cleared up your sinuses. Now all we have to do is fix your hearing!"

A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license."

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife, and handed it to the pharmacist.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Two young medical students were standing on a street corner observing people as they passed by, discussing any abnormalities they noticed in the passers-by.

They saw this old fellow sort of duck waddling down the street at a slow pace.

The two students introduced themselves to the gentleman and told him that they didn't agree with each other's diagnosis of the old man's problem.

One says, "My friend thinks you have a bad case of hemorrhoids, and I think you have a hernia."

The old man said, "I thought it was a fart, but from the feel of it, looks like we were all wrong!"

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I have mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"