Medical Jokes

Doctor: Please take your seat sir. what is your problem??
Patient: Hello Doctor please can you give me your certificate?
Doctor: Why?
Patient: I took 2 weeks leave in my office. They asked me to get an "Doctor Certificate".

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his latex gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't," she replied.
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during the procedure she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

You can't blame God for everything.
God made Michael Jackson a handsome black boy.
Plastic surgeons turned him into a hideous white woman.

A man walks into a doctor's office and says, "I need your help, doctor. I think I'm a moth."
The doctor says, "You don't need a doctor. You need a psychiatrist."
The man says, "I know. But your light was on."

After an operation the doctor came into the patent's room to explain to the still groggy man that the operation to amputate his leg had been a complete success.
"The operation went quickly, the stitching went fine and you show signs of a quick recovery from the operation. You'll be able to pick out a prosthetic leg as soon we have completed your second operation."
The patient looked very puzzled and asked, "What second operation?"
The doctor replied, "This operation we accidentally removed the wrong leg."

A woman called Mount Sainai Hospital. She said "Mount Sainai Hospital? Hello, Darling. I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse. I want all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z."

The voice on the other line said "Would you hold the line please, that's a very unusual request." Then a very authoritative voice came on and said, "Are you the lady who is calling about one of the patients?"

She said: "Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel in Room 302."

He said "Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Farber, Feinberg � Finkel. Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her doctor says if she continues improving as she is, he is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."

The woman said "Oh, thank you! That's wonderful! She's going home at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful news."

The guy on the other end says: "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close family members."

She said, "Close family member? I'm Sarah Finkel! My doctor doesn't tell me anything."

One afternoon, two doctors from India were having an animated discussion. "I say it's spelled 'W-H-O-O-M'," said the first Indian doctor.
"No, it is 'W-H-O-M-B'," said the other Indian doctor.
An American nurse passing by said, "Excuse me, you are both wrong. It is spelled 'W-O-M-B'."
"Thank you nurse," said one of the doctors, "but we prefer to settle this argument ourselves. Besides, we don't think you are in a position to describe the sound of an elephant passing wind under water."

A young doctor had just opened office and felt really excited. His secretary told him a man was here to see him. The young doctor told her to send him in.
Pretending to be a busy doctor, he picked up the phone just as the man came in. "Yes, that's right. The fee is $200. Yes, I'll expect you ten past two. Alright. No later. I'm a very busy man."
He hung up and turned to the man waiting. "May I help you?"
"No," said the man, "I just came in to install the phone."